Bottom line, Johnson!
by Sunny LaCountess
<Scene:
An office on the third floor of a corporate building. A desk is in the middle of the room with Ikea interior design and posters about different Television shows on display around it. A tall, well-groomed, well-dressed man is sitting behind the desk, talking on the phone. The nameplate in front of him reads: Robert Bloume-Network Executive.
Another man enters: Mark Johnson, producer, director, and a recent fan of the television show Forever Knight. He has talked to Bloume, last week, about a possible revival of the old show. Today, his superior has called him into his office to discuss the idea. Seeing the other man come in, Bloume immediately ends the phone conversation and turns toward Johnson.>
Bloume- Ahhh, Johnson! It’s nice to see you. You came soon as I called you.
Johnson- I’m always on time, sir.
Bloume- Good, that’s what I like about you. Now, I wanted to talk to you about that TV show you said you wanted to remake last week. Fork in the Night, was it?
Johnson- Forever Knight, sir.
Bloume- Yeah, that one. I’m wondering, do you think there’s any chance we can make it into a reality show?
Johnson- Sir, it’s a show about a vampire working as a cop. It’ll hardly fit into the mold.
Bloume- Really? That’s a shame! I bet you know the market is hot for them reality shows these days. Never mind. I read your proposal on it. You say you think it has potential; I’m going to take your word for it. Although, some things need to be changed, to appeal to a wider audience, you know.
Johnson- What is it you have in mind, sir?
Bloume- Well, first of all, the main character. Does he have to be a vampire posing as a cop? Isn’t that a little unoriginal. Why don’t we make him a guy with supernatural powers who works as a journalist?
Johnson- With all do respect, sir, that’s Superman. Haven’t they done that already?
Bloume- Damn! You’re right. And I spent all last night thinking about it; while I was in bed with…hmm, forget that. How about an assassin who pretends he’s an FBI agent? I bet that is something that’ll get audiences pouring in like rain in gutters, huh?
Johnson- Undoubtedly, sir. However, they already did that too, on the X-files.
Bloume- You don’t say? I thought those two were real FBI agents.
Johnson (rubs his forehead quickly)- I was talking about a different character, sir. Uh, never mind. What is wrong with the initial idea of the vampire and the cop?
Bloume- Oh, nothing. I think it’s great. But the thing is, we don’t want people to think we are ripping off from other shows. And there is already another show like that called “Dark Angel.”
Johnson- You mean “Angel”, sir.
Bloume- What? Really? That’s what it’s called? Hmm, I’m wondering what “Dark Angel” was then?
Johnson- Sir, the point is, Forever Knight came way before “Angel.” We are talking about a show that was first made in the early nineties.
Bloume- Ok, I got it, makes more sense now. Lets keep the vampire idea. It seems to be trendy, too, these days. Now, whom should we cast for the role of this Nick Knight?
Johnson- In the original he was played by the Canadian actor Geraint Wyn Davis. He did a great job, and to be honest, sir, he still looks quite good.
Bloume- I already knew that, Johnson. However, I’m thinking we should get Justin Timberlake for the role.
Johnson- Justin Timberlake? But he’s a musician, sir.
Bloume- His agent told me he’s expanding his carrier. He has decided to try some acting now. You know, they all eventually do that, because of so much talent that they have. He said I should definitely consider him for the next project. They’ve promised a lot of financial backing and I don’t see a reason why I shouldn’t.
Johnson- But,…he hardly resembles the character.
Bloume- Oh, babble! Everyone can play a vampire, Tom Cruise, Brad Pit, Eddie Murphy, even Leslie Nielsen has done it, once. You just need to give ‘em the right makeover.
Johnson- All right, sir. Whatever you say. What’s next?
Bloume- Good! Now, about that chick who’s his love interest. What was her name? Natalie?
Johnson- Yes, sir. She’s the coroner.
Bloume- Yes, that one. You see, there’s the problem right there. Why should she be a coroner? What is so interesting about that? You should know that it is not right to portray women in boring, repetitious jobs. That is absolutely, politically incorrect. She should have a more interesting career line, like swimsuit modeling, or exotic dancing, or at the very least, lifeguard. Any of those is more exciting than working with corpses.
Johnson (blinks twice) – Uh, sir! But that’s the whole point of her relationship with the hero. I stated it clearly in the proposal. The mere fact that she’s a coroner brings her in contact with vampires.
Bloume- Oh, really? (flips through the document on his desk) seems like you’re right. Well, ok, that’s no problem. I have a brilliant idea. She can be a coroner at night and a swimsuit model during the day. How’s that?
Johnson- That doesn’t really….
Bloume- Aah, Johnson! Why do you keep arguing with me? Why can’t you just accept some of my ideas? You know, I am more experienced in these matters than you are. Believe me, I know what I’m talking about when I say it’s better.
Johnson (disgruntled) – Yes, sir.
Bloume- Now, we have to decide on who should play this Natalie. I was thinking of Angelina Jolie, but she’s become pretty darn expensive after she landed that Oscar and the role in the Tomb Raider movie. So I guess we have to be a little more efficient. How about Lucy Lawless?
Johnson- Who?
Bloume- Lucy Lawless. The Warrior Princess.
Johnson- Um, sorry, sir. But don’t you think she’s a little too, uh, sexy for the role?
Bloume- Why? Isn’t Natalie supposed to be sexy?
Johnson- well, yeah. But not in that way. I mean her sexiness must not overshadow her professionalism. She’s a very career oriented woman.
Bloume- Career oriented woman, huh? I like that. Very catchy. But don’t forget, she is a swimsuit model during the day, so it’s only natural for her to have a curvy figure. How do you think she’ll look in her bikini at the beach without a sexy built?
Johnson- What beach, sir? The show is set in Toronto. Unless she goes to the Niagara Falls to swim, there is no way she can show off her body outdoors.
Bloume- What? The show is set in Toronto? Why in all heavens in Toronto? What’s so special up there? Why not LA, or Miami or New York?
Johnson- Because the original was set in Canada…
Bloume (raising a hand and cutting him off like a teacher correcting a student) Uh, uh uh. Got it wrong again. You’ve got to pay more attention to these details or you’ll never end up where I am. Shows are never *set* in Canada, Johnson, they’re only filmed in Canada. We film them there, then come back and add some bits and pieces here and there to make it look like our own back yard. Got it?
Johnson (frustrated) –I know that, sir. But this show was really, truly, made in Canada. It was *set* and *filmed* it Toronto. In fact, the show was even produced in Canada.
Bloume (scratching his head) – That’s stupid. Canada is boring. I say we set it in Palm Beach, add lots and lots of shots of Natalie and her swimsuit playmates. That would really boost the ratings. I mean, look at Baywatch. Best show ever made on TV. Besides, it’s really important to balance day and night scenes so the show doesn’t look too dark.
Johnson (just looks at him, deflated.)
Bloume- Yeah, definitely a perfect idea. A lot of beach scenes and bikini babes during the day. Then, dangerous, bloodsucking vampires during the night. Really awesome. You still sure we can’t make it into a reality show?
Johnson (says nothing. keeps staring.)
Bloume- O-Kay, moving on to another subject, I wanted to talk to you about this guy, Luck-raw.
Johnson (brightens up) Yes, sir. You mean, LaCroix, the master vampire.
Bloume- Yeah. What an interesting character. Very unique. I have an ingenious idea for his casting.
Johnson (fearing the worst) - I’m sure you’d agree, sir, that Nigel Bennett is still very…
Bloume- Would you let me finish for a second. I didn’t say I had anybody in mind, yet.
Johnson- What then, sir?
Bloume- I was thinking of—and this is really just off the top of my head, although I think it’s brilliant—why don’t we use a computer animated character instead of a real actor for his role. Wouldn’t that be incredible? Think how many kids will watch the show just to see that.
Johnson (again looks at his boss, dumbfounded.)
Bloume (notices) - I know my ideas might sound a little strange to you at first, Johnson. But you really have to try to trust me. I’ve done this many times. I know what’ll stick and what wont. All I am trying here is to get your show enough audience so it’ll float for at least a couple of seasons.
Johnson (mumbling) – Sure, sir. That was my goal too. For the *original* show that is.
Bloume fumbles with some papers on his desk and finally finds a blank one to write down some notes. He’s about to hand it to Johnson when his phone rings. He answers, talks for a minute, then hangs up. He looks a little disappointed as he turns to Johnson again.
Bloume- That was the head office. They say they’ve got a tremendous response from their test audience on their new show “Are you gross enough to psyche me out?” They have decided to allocate all the funding to that show. Unfortunately, it means that you and I won’t be able to make our vampire show this season. But don’t worry, Johnson. Hopefully, this new show does well on prime time and will generate enough money for us to do our show next season. I’ll put your proposal on file. I’ll make sure I’ll talk about it with them.
Johnson (recovering from his initial shock at the lightning fast turn of events) - Thank you, sir. Should I leave then, now?
Bloume- You may, if you wish. But please don’t be down, man. I’m really sorry it didn’t work out this time. We have to accept it, though; the network must focus on its priorities.
Johnson- Sure, sir. See you later.(He is about to leave.)
Bloume (calls behind him) – If it makes you feel better, I am as disappointed as you are. I was beginning to like the idea of vampires and cops and swimsuit models and the computer animated mastermind. All I was thinking about after I read your proposal was what a great show this could be. I will definitely mention it at the next Senior Executives meeting. In the mean time, why don’t you try and find a way to make it into a reality show, huh? I will personally guarantee that if you do that, they will put “For Never Right” first on their lineup for the next season. What do you say, Johnson?
Johnson (leaves.)
<End Scene>